Oh, those wonderful carefree days! Nothing in life was as important as seeing that smile on daddy's face. And nothing was more devastating to my world than his displeasure whether directed at me or another. At all costs I had to keep daddy happy.
Funny the perspective. From the outside "daddy's girl" is spoiled but loved. From within as a child, there wasn't anything more important to my world than my father's attention.
My mom has alway been rather standoffish. I don't remember her ever getting down on the floor and playing with me. But she did all the right "mom" things; cooked, canned, made my clothes, baked, kept the house clean and even made clothes for my Barbies. But... she was emotionally unavalaiable which left me extreemly desperate for dad's affections. He was great! Mom was always fussing that she had two kids but dad "played" and mom was "sober" and controlled.
I learned to be content in dad's presence. We went on hikes and drives, swims, hunting and at night we would go on ghost hunts or just just lay out and watch the stars. We rarely did anything truely playful. He read The Wind in the Willows to me using many different voices. Or he would read the Bible to me. I never understood it but... he read. And the music! We sang. In harmony. He taqught me to sing the saprano and alto parts (mom also sang with us sometimes) and he sang tenor. How i love that voice. We had a little foster baby once that would just burst out laughing anytime he heard dad singing.
Logic says he wasn't home much when i was younger but I don't remember too much time witout him but he was a Mairine so of course spent much time at work, in school or deployed. Being Military gave us many oppertunities to be together i.e. trips to the pool or beach, during moves we went sight seeing and there were always trips "home" to see the grandparents.
I loved going hunting with my dad. He tried taking my mom but she was noisey in the woods, crashing about, compaining and talking and she was TERRIFIED of snakes. We would all go and we would leave mom at this old abandoned house where she would pick up pecans while dad and i went into the woods to hunt. I remember going along as young as 5 or 6 yrs old. He taught me how to walk sp as not to brak twigs or sticks. He taught me to listen. To the wind, the birds and to the animals. He taught me to be quiet. Sometimes we would walk into a stand and just sit and watch just observing the animals. I am still a very observent, reflective person.
But those days stuck with me and as i grew older i sought the solitude of the woods. I preferred the solitude. I tended not to play with others but rather to hike through the countryside cutting across creeks at low tide and then hiking miles through the woods alone to return.
In my preteen years we rode motorcycles through the countryside. all activites with my dad seemed to teach me 1) to be quiet 2) to be alone with my thoughts and 3) to share the experience.
When my parents divorce i begged to go with dad. It wasn't that i didn't love my mom but... How do i explain how safe I feel near dad? How comfortable his silence is? And in spite of all the times he has tried to manipulate me into his desires for my life, how completely trusting i am that he is only looking out for my best interests?
Dad is now sixty-eight. We still spend time together but we no longer hike or hunt. We sit and talk or just share the space each quietly doing our own thing, reading, playing on the computer, or watching a movie. We still travel and go to exhibits. But as i watch my father grow older I want to spend more and more time with him. I know our times together are limited and I dread the future and being without him. Who else will just sit with me and just "be"? I love my dad above all others and i don't understand it.
